Dearest Readers, this week I come to you with a concept of high importance—and one that I was recently reminded of via a good friend. Alexander Speaks did a reading for me earlier this week, and the crux of it came down to one thing: I needed to start defining things. Also, note: Alexander saw fit to send me a video of the reading while wearing a set of plastic witch’s finger. I don’t know why, but they just set the tone. 

Feelings can get very ambiguous and vague. But, it’s difficult to take action or come up with a plan if you can’t pin down what exactly you are talking about in the first place. 

To Slay the Monster, You Must First Say Its Name

The big definition that should be on anyone’s to-do list is their biggest problems. During my reading, Alexander pulled The Black Hole from one of his decks. Here’s the question: what is the black hole in my life? What gives me the most negative emotions and what really keeps me up at night? 

The more questions that Alexander asked, the more I realized that everything that was really toasting my bagels for the past few years were all iterations and repetitions with variation on the same exact theme. And the most embarrassing part? It’s all related to something I tell my day-job clients all the time. OOPS. Insert Midwestern Ope Here. 

And of, course, it all comes back to the same origins as well. Gracious. Don’t past traumas that repeatedly took place during crucial learning periods have any respect?! The nerve. 

Defining the real ‘monster’ in your life plays an interesting role. Some people say that there is no point in running. But, I actually defining the beast gives you a great opportunity to examine the antecedents to those results. What gets you in those situations? It’s what we call a ‘lever.’ If you do something different there, then you can expect a different result. And thus, by personal examination, you can find yourself with a very well-populated list of levers to pull on and things to change about your life. 

Where Can We Trace it Back? 

Indeed this blog post is far more in the realms of Headology than magic. Let’s use the example of one of my clients from my day job. This young lady has long been under the impression that more money, plastic surgery, and nice clothes will fill her self-described ‘hole’ inside of her. As someone who is intimately familiar with that feeling, I can’t really recommend chasing something like money, instagram followers, or fame. They never really fill that hole. 

So what would a Headologist say looking at this? Well, there is one origin point to this client’s behavior—she is chasing external validation. She is looking to solve the negative feelings inside herself with something from the outside. And I think a lot of us do fall into this. We think ‘if I can just meet this goal’ or ‘if my lover is xyz’ or ‘if I’m pretty’ then all of our internal problems will be solved. 

And oh boy, they are not. Money can indeed solve many problems. But, not emotional ones like a feeling of constant emptiness. Money can solve basic problems like food, shelter, medicine, and stability. But, anything that we run away from with over-working or impulsive dopamine-chasing? That’s not the stuff money can solve. 

Those types of problems are caused by what is inside of us. At the crux of this case, it’s orientation. And no, I’m not talking about the sexual kind. I’m talking about what we, as people, fundamentally believe will give us emotional contentment. In this case, it would make sense to switch that orientation. Let’s move it from External Validation towards Internal Validation. 

Asking the Right Questions

So where could one theoretically begin re-orienting towards inner validation? I think this may be also very much related to the idea of definitions. If it’s hard to define what internal validation is, we can examine what external validation is—and thus orient in the other direct. It’s still reliant on definition at the end of the day. 

So this might look like: 

• Examining your values and ethics, and declining to change those to appeal to others. 
• Taking time to indulge in the ‘cringiest’ things that you enjoy. 
• Looking at HOW you are trying to please others, and examining how that behavior may be hurting you. 

As an example, let’s say that I wanted to start orienting away from the pressure to produce ‘marketable’ content. What is the opposite of marketable? Weird, niche shit that I really enjoy, but I don’t think others would. In that case, I would orient towards writing or creating stuff that I enjoyed in my most selfish, indulgent heart. 

Have any of you ever needed to re-orient or define something?